I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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