Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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