When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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