UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
