Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize