she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
