Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
