I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
