Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
