I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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