In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
