dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
