matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
