i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I just found puke in my bra..
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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