You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
