Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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