Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Randomize
