I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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