Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I deserve this hangover.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
