Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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