Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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