allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
