Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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