Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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