You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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