i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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