I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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