I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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