Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
