Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
