shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
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