I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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