I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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