Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
