It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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