Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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