so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
