She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
