my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
