I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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