I wannas sexs uuuuu
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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