I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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