don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Randomize
