I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
