think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
