my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
