Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
