Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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