I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
