You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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