sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
