Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
